Thoughts... [entries|friends|calendar] Helen [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[02 Aug 2009|05:15pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Temper Temper ]  I have just come to the end of a week off, its been quite enjoyable. spent way to much money, and i am throughly skint once more. I logged back on my old facebook profile last night, just due to be bored on a saturday night, and looked at jodies profile. My word, not only does she look unreconizable, but , I don't know, i felt like I didn't reconize her as person as well. Nearly 12 months since I last seen her, and as much as I would like to see her, I dont, just to avoid that awkwardness of "hi, we used to be friends, but I barely know you or speak to you anymore". Mum told me yesterday that Laura (sister) has been diagnosed with minor depression. I am the only member of my family who isn't popping pills at the moment, and its weird to think that I was the one with the most problems at one point. I really do wish I had done things differently back then, I may have been in a different position now. But then again, I wouldn't be the person I am today....I kinda like myself, somethings I wish I could change like how i think I am funny, when I am just not. ha. I don't know how I feel about Laura, just a bit numb to be honest. Its my birthday in 3 weeks, which is strange. 22, I used to think that was old. I wish I could write more, I feel like I need too, but I don't know what to say to be perfectly honest. Just feel a bit blah. Me and Katie are ok. Home life is ok. Work is shit, but nothing changes there. I am back in tomorrow, hopefully nothing has gone tits up since I've been off ha.

[18 Jul 2009|09:49pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Nightmares on Wax ]  Firstly, my apologies for such a delay in an update Journal....i have been busy house sitting for my parents, and looking after a house didn't allow me time to contemplate ha I'm not in good mood, without going back to my old journal entries when I was about 17....I just don't feel right at the moment.  I heard from Jodie by way of email in work, I dropped her a belated Happy Birthday email following selling my iphone and losing all my numbers in the process, muggings here thought all my numbers were still on my simcard, how very wrong ha It was bittersweet, seems somehow we have drifted apart, quite alot, something, I sort of knew in the back of mind would happen eventually, but never really admitted to myself, she said we would meet up soon, but I throughly doubt that will happen. I just know it won't, we live both very different lives now, and have in all respects, become two very different people.  I feel in some way, very sad about how things are panning at the moment, maybe thats due to certain things, but I just generally feel a bit gutted. I don't know why I just do. Things are exactly amazing with me and katie at the moment, and once again I feel some what suffocated by her again. Its not good and it doesn't make our relationship that enjoyable. Its very strange but, I do find her attractive, but I don't have the urges to...well, to put it as plainly as possible, to wanna rip her clothes off any more. Maybe I just have no labido, but the fact that I haven't had one in some months now is starting to worry me. I love her...well, at least I think I do, and I hope I do, I just don't feel the need to be, like the couple we once were. Shes presurring me into making more commitments since our ential break up, and I still think my parents are in some state of denial regarding it all, despite me saying "we are seeing how it goes" they seem to think I'm a free agent, which I am not.  I don't know, I guess at 21...nearly 22, I would still like some freedom, and too feel that rush of exictment I used to have, god how I loved that high I used to get, not knowing where a day or night would take me. I just don't feel that anymore, feels like I have grown up way to quickly, and yes, I blame katie for that, and I think for the rest of my days, until I grow out of the whole, freedom thing, will continue to resent her for it. It sounds awful...but at the same time, the people I used to get that rush of excitment don't wanna know me, or I'm too afraid to keep in contact or take that one step further incase of the implications, i.e. a bollocking or paranoia from katie....god, do I really wanna live like this....no I don't.....but it can't be all parties and excitement, and again thats where I feel like I am being pulled in two directions. One direction I could try and rekindle some form of excitment and go out and enjoy myself or two realise that the party won't last forever and that i would like to settle down...plus the idea of being with someone else...especially the lesbian freaks in plymouth, just unnerves me. Give katie credit were its due shes worth ten of them, and a far better person, and in some aspects has her head a little bit more screwed on. Oh I don't know. Work is alright, could be worse, just get on with it I suppose. Feel very un-popular and like I don't have many friends, but there is nought I can do about that.  On the upside, I have a week off soon, and then its my birthday (22 argh!) and then reading fesitval. I hope I get out of this god for saken mood soon, cause I fucking hate it! ha. Also listen to a fantastic artist call Temper Temper...this dude used to be from Plymouth, and his music is very dreamy hehe  Until next time..

[11 Jun 2009|08:28pm] [ mood | awake ] Just because....*dwooolll*

[11 Jun 2009|08:15pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Florence & The Machine ] The first song in quite a while to give me goosebumps...in fact all of what she has released has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, just fantastic.

[10 Jun 2009|08:28pm] [ mood | sad ]  I want it to be late 2006 and early 2007 again, god I had the best time....

[09 Jun 2009|07:09pm] [ mood | contemplative ]  When me and Katie broke up about 2 months ago and I moved out of the house, i really did wonder who i was gonna get over it, i thought about that for a day, and then 24 hours later we were back together, seeing how it goes for hundredth time.  I wasn't an angel and alienated myself from everyone i knew due the shame of what I did to some, and katie was the only person I kinda had to hold on too.  Months passed and when i began to realise that the person i fucked over, was willing to forgive me, i still turned the other way, due Katie not being all to approving of that person.  And due to this, i ended up resenting her it, and I still resent her now. Its a horrible thing to say about someone your supposed to be in love with , but I do, I really resent her for not allowing me to take the second chance I had.  We had a mini argument by way of text, one of the reasons I said I would give us another go, was on the condition that she would change, and not rely on me so much and do her own thing. In typical katie fashion this hasn't happened, and i feel like we are ending back at square one.  The weird thing is, and I never thought I would be one of these people, but I can't live with her, yet can't live without her. When I used to think what it would feel like to fall in love, I thought I would idolise that person and worship the ground they walk on. When my friends used to argue with thier boyfriends/girlfriends, I used to think, how can you when you love someone, no I understand. Relationships are not easy, and it is all down to respect and give and take. But when communication is something that your not very good at doing with your partner its almost impossible.  I trust Katie, well at least I think I do, despite her lying and some of her horrible ways, I know deep down, she wouldn't cheat, mainly because, I don't think she has it in her, whilst I don't think she trusts me, reasons being, she thinks that I am going to be so influenced by other people, it automatically means, I won't wanna be with her. To be honest I don't know if that constitutes as a trust issue, or simply her having an over-active imagination. I don't know, she baffels me.  Its the age old concept of that you wish that you could be single and enjoy that rush of excitment again, but then you cannot imagine being with anyone else apart from that person.  If I'm being completely honest, I really have become ever so boring since I got together with her, something whilst being single, I promised I would never become, but here I am, boring as an old fart. I don't go out, I rarely socialize with people, mainly because the people I want to socialize with, she can't stand. I do think to myself, is this what I really want from her, from this relationship, and awnser is no, but I can't walk away, for whatever reason it is, I just can't walk away.

[08 Jun 2009|06:37pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] As you can imagine, I was thrilled when Blink got back together. Yes thier music isn't exactly what you would call....amazing....but it was to me, and still is, and is to a few other people in the world. And I really want to know when thier new album is coming out....if any album that is. There is no hint of it on the website, nor is there any hint of it on www.himynameismark.com (a site that I check fequently just to obtain a more, advance knowing of whats going on with blink) So blink....hurry up with a new album, I'm dying to hear it.  I had a busy day in work, and was finding it difficult to concentrate by the time 4o'clock came around, due to be so fucking hungry. Got in a gulped down my tea and it hasn't quite settled yet, so still feel light headed ha. A cup of tea is in order I think.

[07 Jun 2009|06:40pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Simon & Garfunkle ] Upon setting up a new livejournal account I actually managed to come across my old screen name, so this entry contradicts the previous. I read over my old entries which I have now taken the time to delete, and it wasn't easy reading. it made me feel uncomfortable to think that at 17, I felt so negative, about pretty much everything. I know, I can look back and think, what was I worrying about, and I really wish I could go back and tell myself that. That its not all bad, and that I should attempt to be thankfull of the freedom and that, apart from the obvious, try not to worry about anything. I can remeber how I felt about Jodie. It was wonderful, and horrible at the same time, and now, 4, nearly 5 years down the road, we barely know one another. If I had only told my 17 year old self, look...she isn't gonna be around for much longer, so try and build bridges with the people who will...contemplation to me is a horrible thing I think, espcially when you have it in black in white. Now I understand where my parents were coming from. I hate that saying, I told you so, but its oh so very true. However, I did come across some quite wonderful photos which remind me of the good times, and I hope there will be some more soon - <img Was very happy I found these, they make me smile

Amazing... [07 Jun 2009|06:29pm] [ mood | amused ] The best thing I have watched in ages

If you would be so kind..... [07 Jun 2009|06:23pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Brand New - Milestone ] YES PLEASE..... </centre>

Well well.. [07 Jun 2009|06:22pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Grouper - Heavy Water ]  I honestly thought I would never be on this website again. The last time I used this site was when I was about 16-17. I'm 22 now...well nearly. I did update an old account, but have failed to find it - figured I would join this again cause, well, its certainly been an interesting five years to say the least. And with all that’s happened, I cannot help but feel that I am back at square one, having to do it all over again, except I am slightly more bitter about things, and a bit more, well wise.  I guess I just needed an outlet again - plus I'm appalling at keeping actual hand written diary - plus hand writing isn't really used these days I find, which is a shame....I'm rambling. Ok....lets sum up the last five years -  2005 - Left school - started working full time - went to visit Jodie at Uni... 2006 - Kept working - tried to go see friends at uni but came to the awful realisation that we were prob never friends in the first place - met brad. 2007 - Working Still - Got wreck every weekend I had money, met more people - moved out of home - met Katie. Was a dickhead and made my flatmate move out - Alienated myself from everyone I met.  2008 - Working - and became a paralegal at Bond Pearce LLP  - still with katie - moved in with Katie in the summer of 2008 - reading festival - my 21st. 2009 - Working.... - started to resent Katie for not letting me do my own thing - grown intensely tired of living with her - broke up - moved back in with my parents - got back together with katie - saw brad for the first time in months. and now, im sat here.....contemplating - over, well...everything. What was the point given that it was so bitter-sweet....time will tell....

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